Dating Violence

Hand holding and blushes. Gentle caresses and soft glances. Moonlight walks and laughter. Tenderness and joy. Sweet words and special favors. This, we want to believe, is the nature of a dating relationship.

In reality, however, your dating relationship may be very different. Your dating partner may be emotionally, sexually or physically abusive. You may be afraid of your partner. You may think that a good relationship is your responsibility more than your partner's. You may not even know you have a right not to be beaten. You may be afraid that no one else would want you.

Perhaps your partner seems so mild-mannered that others would never believe he or she could be abusive. He or she may mistreat only you, which makes you think there's something wrong with you. You may be afraid to tell anyone. You just want the violence to end. Otherwise, everything's fine.

One-fourth to one-half of all dating relationships in this country involve violence. In its least severe form, it shows up in jealousy, possessiveness, controlling behavior and verbal put-downs. In its more extreme forms, it may involve pushing, slapping, excessive tickling, pulling hair, hitting, threatening behavior with a weapon and rape. Young people sometimes misinterpret possessiveness and jealousy as a show of love. Such behavior is actually a red flag signaling a problem relationship.

EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL ABUSE

In addition to obvious physical or sexual abuse, dating relationships can involve verbal or emotional abuse. Many young men and women use ridiculing, name-calling, threats, constant criticism, controlling, belittling and other negative behavior to frighten their partner or destroy her or his self-esteem. Both men and women have experienced long-term effects from this type of abuse.

Verbal abuse, like physical abuse, is rooted in the low self-esteem of the abusive partner. It also is rooted in the helplessness, guilt and confusion of the person who allows herself or himself to be treated this way. Submitting to such violence in the name of love is futile and self-destructive.

DATE RAPE

Males and females may have very different expectations about what dating means. The young woman may view it in friendly or romantic terms. The young man may expect it to result in a sexual experience. At times the opposite is true.

The rapist may use the assault to feel powerful and in control. He may use only enough force to gain control and get his date to do what he wants. He may not be openly violent. Because of this, date rape is hard to prove. Sometimes the victim is not even sure she has been raped. Instead of reacting angrily, she may feel confused and guilty about the assault. But rape by a friend or acquaintance is still rape. It is a punishable crime.

Females in a dating relationship should communicate their feelings. They should know what their limits are and express them clearly. Women should say "no" when they want to say "no" and men should learn to accept that "no." Men, like women, shouldn't be pushed into physical intimacy against their wishes. Dating partners need to respect each other's preferences.

WHY ABUSE HAPPENS

When one or both dating partners has not learned positive, peaceful ways of solving problems, emotions such as fear, jealousy and anger can trigger heated arguments. Abusive behavior learned from their families and media images of violence play a part as well.

These problems seldom start in the dating relationship. They are rooted in the way the people learned to relate to others during childhood.

Children need to learn fun, caring and non-violent ways of treating each other. Negative behavior patterns from childhood can carry right into adult relationships.

SIGNS OF POTENTIAL VIOLENCE

Everyone needs to recognize the warning signs of a potentially violent dating partner. The potential for problems is greater if your dating partner:

• Was abused as a child. In that early family life, the mother may have been abused by the father.

• Loses his or her temper more often than is appropriate and often expresses anger in violent ways such as hitting a wall or furniture.

• Has already revealed violent attitudes or actions toward others.

• Drinks too much or abuses other drugs.

• Is unusually possessive. He or she wants to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing all the time.

• Has very strict, traditional ideas about the roles of men and women in relationships.

• Is easy going, gentle and loving most of the time and promises never to hit or abuse again.

IF VIOLENCE OCCURS

If you find yourself in a violent, or potentially violent, relationship, you need to:

• Think first of your physical safety. Get away from the violent person as quickly as you can.

• Reach out for help. Contact family members, friends, police, counselors or a spouse abuse center you don't have to be married to get help there.

• Remember that you cannot change another person's violent behavior. Giving in to demands, trying to please, pacifying and giving one more chance don't have a lasting effect.

• Remember violence does not just go away. Once started, it usually keeps happening and gets worse. It becomes a cycle of abuse, but you can break the cycle by refusing to become a victim.

MARRIAGE MYTH

Women who marry their abusive boyfriends and men who marry their abusive girlfriends are usually surprised to discover that the violence doesn't stop. Many people believe the myth that once the marriage license is signed, all such problems evaporate. Don't believe it. Nothing that deep-seated goes away without lots of hard work.

We all need to learn to communicate effectively, to be good to each other, and to trust and respect each other. We need to know how to fight fairly without violence. It takes commitment, insight and willpower for a violent partner to change. Often it cannot be done without professional help.

INTEGRITY AND DATING VIOLENCE

Dating violence is incompatible with sexual integrity. It shouldn't happen, it doesn't have to happen and it shouldn't be tolerated. If you are the victim of dating violence, don't help another person mistreat you by tolerating his or her unhealthy behavior. If you are mistreating the person you are dating, be brave enough to reach out for help. You can find better ways of relating. If you simply know of an abusive relationship, don't ignore it. Reach out to those involved and offer your help and support.

Love doesn't have to hurt. Acting with sexual integrity can help break the cycle of abuse.

This leaflet was originally titled "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: Violence in Dating Relations" and was written by Tammy Fish, Outreach Coordinator, YWCA Spouse Abuse Center; Shelia Brown, UK Graduate Student; and Sam Quick, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service. It was revised and selected for inclusion in the "Sexual Integrity for Teens" program by Gary L. Hansen, Extension Specialist in Sociology.

AUTHOR: Gary L. Hansen, Ph.D., Extension Specialist in Sociology, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky.