Talking With Your Teen About Sexuality

Sex. Like all children, your children are going to be curious about it. They're going to be thinking about it. They're going to be exposed to it in the media. They're going to be talking to friends about it. They're going to be learning about it. Are you going to be involved? Are you going to be a source of information for them? Are your children going to come to you with their questions? Are they going to come to you with their problems?

How well you communicate with your children about sexuality determines how much you're involved in this important part of their lives. This leaflet is designed to help. If you haven't been talking about sexuality with your child, it may help you get started. If you have been talking about sexuality, it may help you communicate better.

SEXUALITY AND THE RELUCTANCE TO TALK

It's important to realize that your children's sexuality encompasses far more than the physical acts of sex. It also includes how their bodies develop and respond sexually. It includes how they feel about those responses. It includes what they think is right and wrong related to sexuality. As you can see, there's a lot to talk about.

If you're a typical parent or guardian, you have a thousand and one things you'd like to share with your children. You realize how difficult it is for young people to grow up today and you don't want your children to make irresponsible sexual decisions that could have life-threatening results. Despite a desire to talk with your children about sexuality, you're probably not doing it as often or as well as you would like. There are a number of reasons why that may be the case.

• You don't know what to say or how to say it. Many of today's parents were raised in families where sexuality was seldom, if ever, discussed. Since they didn't talk about sexuality with their parents, they don't have a model of what parents should say to their children or how they should say it. They may also worry about being asked questions they can't answer. If this describes you, there are a number of things you can do.

  First, you can fill the gaps in your own sexual knowledge. Your local library or bookstore should have a number of good books on sexuality. Look for them. Remember, however, that your child doesn't expect you to be an "expert" who knows all the facts. It's far more important for you to be caring, concerned, supportive and available. Second, you can learn some of the techniques for communicating about sexuality that have worked for other parents. This leaflet should be helpful. Third, you can simply "take the plunge." Like the first time you ever dived off the diving board at a swimming pool, sooner or later you've simply got to overcome your anxiety and fear and start talking. Like that first dive, you'll survive and it will get easier and easier the more you do it.

• You're afraid talking about sexuality will encourage your children to be sexually active. This belief is the basis for much of the opposition to any sexuality education. While it may seem logical, it simply isn't true. There is no concrete evidence that providing a young person valid sexual information increases sexual activity. If anything, it delays it.

• You're sure your children don't need to talk about sexuality since they're neither sexually active now nor likely to be in the foreseeable future. While most parents want to believe this, can you really be sure? One study has found that only 10 percent of teens tell their parents the full extent of their sexual activity. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 54 percent of all American high school students have had sexual intercourse. Among high school seniors, the figure is 70 percent. Even if your teen isn't sexually active now, there's a good chance he or she will be active before long. Furthermore, providing your teen with the facts may help him or her avoid becoming a victim of sexual exploitation. Also, your teen may become a valuable source of sexuality information for his or her peers.

• Your children don't want to talk to you. While this may appear to be true, most children really want to talk with their parents. They want to know what their parents think. They want and need to be able to turn to parents for information, advice and support. You've simply got to be approachable. Your child has to feel comfortable talking with you. You've also got to take advantage of the "teachable moments" that come along.

GETTING READY

Talking about sexuality is going to be easier if you're prepared. You can start getting ready by completing the following exercise suggested by Jay Gale in his book A Parent's Guide to Teenage Sexuality.

Take a piece of paper and write eight statements that represent messages about sexuality you would like to communicate to your child at this time. (If you're having trouble coming up with eight, reading the box titled "Your Teen Needs to Know" may help you think of issues you'd like to talk about.) After you develop your list, visualize yourself discussing each topic, one at a time, with your teen. Think about what you would say and how you would say it. Think about what he or she is likely to say. Imagine the facial expressions both of you are likely to have. Now, think about how comfortable you feel about discussing each of the eight topics. Put two checks by the messages you're totally comfortable with, one check by those you're somewhat comfortable with and no checks by those you're uncomfortable with.

Your Teen Needs to Know

• What you think about sexual issues and what moral values or ethical standards you hold.
• How to resist sexual pressure, coercion and exploitation.
• How and why his or her body is developing.
• About sexual expression, conception and pregnancy.
• About contraception.
• About AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases and how to prevent them.
• How to act with sexual integrity.

This exercise should give you some idea of what you really want to communicate to your teen and how comfortable you are likely to feel doing it. Since your communication probably won't be very effective if you're extremely uncomfortable, begin with the messages you're most comfortable with. Don't forget about the difficult topics, however. If you think the message is important, develop a strategy for communicating it. Would seeking more information help you feel more comfortable? Would giving your teen written material help introduce the message and make conversation easier?

If you have a partner who is actively involved in raising your teen, ask him or her to complete this exercise. Compare and discuss your results. Do the two of you want to send the same messages? If not, do the messages actually conflict with each other or do they simply focus on different aspects of sexuality? If they conflict, discuss your differences. While teens can benefit from hearing different viewpoints, receiving contradictory messages from parents or guardians can produce confusion and anxiety.

In addition to comparing the content of the messages you want to send, discuss your comfort levels. It may help you decide whether one or both of you should take the lead in discussing specific topics. It's important for the two of you to develop a joint strategy for talking with your teen and to periodically check with each other to see how it's going.

GETTING STARTED

Talking with your teen about sexuality doesn't always need to consist of lectures or situations where you sit your child down to "talk about sex." There are many "teachable moments" that you can take advantage of to initiate a relaxed discussion. The average television viewer sees 14,000 references to sex in the course of one year. Use some of them as springboards for discussion. Ask your teen what he or she thinks about or would do in the situation being portrayed. Give your own opinion. Videos, tabloid and magazine headlines at the check-out line of the supermarket or your teen's own comments and questions also can serve as conversation starters.

You also can use written materials to start discussions. Bring books about sexuality home from the public library and share them with your teen. Get him or her copies of Extension's "Sexual Integrity for Teens" leaflets. Be sure to discuss the material after you both have read it. The simple act of bringing such material home is important. It lets your teen know that it's okay to talk about sexuality at home. It lets her or him know that you're open to talking about it.

While many of your discussions about sexuality will be in response to everyday experiences, there will be times when you want to sit down and discuss a specific topic. Simply invite your teen to talk. Say, "I've been wanting to talk with you. How about after you finish your homework tonight?" When the time comes, you might want to begin with a general statement like, "I've seen a lot of stories about AIDS lately and thought we ought to discuss it ourselves." Such statements are less likely to make your teen defensive or uncomfortable than ones about his or her own personal behavior.

Practicing these techniques will hopefully make talking about sexuality an ongoing process. Communication is most effective when discussions about sexuality become a natural and normal part of conversation. When this happens, both the parent and the teen can bring up topics for discussion at any time.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

While getting to the point of routinely discussing sexuality with your teen is never easy, practicing effective communication increases your chances of being successful. The following guidelines adapted from Gale's A Parent's Guide to Teenage Sexuality may help:

• Eliminate distractions. Pay attention to what your teen is saying. Shut off any distractions and make eye contact. If the time is inconvenient for either of you, arrange an alternative time to talk.

• Clarify what you've heard. Clarifying assures your teen that you've listened and understood what she or he said. It also gives him or her a chance to try again if you've misunderstood. The best way to clarify is to briefly summarize in your own words what you think your teen is saying.

• Don't interrupt. Listening without interrupting lets your teen know you want to know what he or she is thinking. Besides, interrupting shows a lack of respect.

• Use positive methods of communication. Since many teens are insecure and uncomfortable with sexuality, using positive communication techniques are particularly important when discussing it. Let your teen know she or he can be open and honest and be sure to be open and honest yourself. Provide truthful and direct information. If you do not know an answer to a question, don't guess or make something up. Admit you don't know and promise to try to find out more.

• Use "I" statements. Start your sentences with "I" or "I feel" instead of with "you." Starting a sentence with "you" is likely to put your teen on the defensive because is sounds accusatory or threatening. Tell your daughter, "I'm concerned that you and Jason are so involved that you'll get careless and wind up pregnant." Don't tell her, "You're getting too involved with Jason."

• Clearly state what you want. It's more effective than stating what you don't want. For example, say "I want you home by 11:00." Don't say, "I don't want you staying out late."

• If possible, rephrase questions as statements that reflect your feelings. Many times questions are not used to elicit information. They're used to trap someone. Say, "I don't think someone your age should be dating just one person." Don't say, "Why don't you date other people?"

• Avoid using "absolutes" when in any kind of disagreement. Words like "always," "never," "every time" and "whenever" drag up the past. Sticking to the present usually results in more effective communication.

Following these guidelines will increase your odds of being able to communicate effectively with your teen. They will not guarantee it, however. Don't be overly concerned if your teen doesn't immediately share your enthusiasm for talking about sexuality. That may take time and there may be setbacks along the way. Don't give up. The important thing is that you're making the effort.

DIFFICULT ISSUES

If you're like most parents, you will have to confront some difficult issues as you discuss sexuality with your teen. While we can't cover all, or even most, of them in a leaflet like this, there are a few you should begin thinking about now.

• Masturbation. Many parents are particularly embarrassed and uncomfortable talking about masturbation. It may have been a taboo subject when you were growing up and, because of religious or moral beliefs, you may think it's wrong. Realize that many teens practice it, however. One study of 15- and 16-year-olds found that three quarters of the boys and over half of the girls have masturbated. Realize also that beliefs about the acceptability of masturbation are changing. Medical and social science authorities, as well as many religious groups, now recognize masturbation as normal and harmless. It only becomes a problem when it is practiced in inappropriate places or accompanied by strong feelings of guilt or fear.

  Even if you have objections to masturbation, try to let your teen know that it is normal and natural to be interested in exploring your own body. Then you can go on to explain your own values. Try not to use shame or guilt, however. They're far more likely to produce fear and confusion than change behavior.

• Resisting sexual pressure. This may sound like an easy issue but it's not. While it's easy to tell your teen to "just say no" to sex, she or he needs to hear more. Your teen needs to hear how to say "no." He or she needs to develop and practice the skills necessary for resisting unwanted sexual pressure. Talk with your teen about specific ways of countering the pressure. Talk about ways to show love besides having sex. You may want to get the Sexual Integrity for Teens leaflet titled "Feeling Good About Saying `No'." It covers a number of points that the two of you may want to discuss together.

  If both of you feel comfortable doing it, try role-playing situations where one of you resists pressure from the other to have sex. It's okay if the two of you start giggling. Laughter is a great way to reduce tension. You can have fun and your teen can learn some valuable skills at the same time. Role-playing works best when you and your teen develop your "script" together using your teen's own words. The goal is to have your teen prepare some ways to politely, but firmly, decline sexual propositions. Hopefully, they will be ways that are not likely to prompt an argument or result in coercion.

• Contraception and "safer" sex. Most parents want their teens to postpone sexual involvement. In addition to simply feeling uncomfortable talking about contraception and "safer" sex, many feel that all sex outside of marriage is wrong. They worry that providing teens such information sends the message that they expect them to be sexually active and that it's okay if they are.

Obviously, you're the only person who can decide what's best for you to talk about and teach your teen. There are a couple of things you need to consider as you make that decision, however. First, teens who are informed tend to delay sexual involvement longer than those who are not. Second, your teen may not choose your values. Despite your best efforts, he or she may decide to try sexual intercourse. It's foolish to compound the problem by getting pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted disease (STD). A sexually active teen needs to know the risks and benefits of different contraceptive techniques and how to reduce the risk of AIDS and other STDs.

If you decide that you want your teen to know about contraception and safer sex, you'll need to see that he or she receives the information. Since some of it is fairly technical, a combination of talking and providing printed material may be the best strategy. Talking can emphasize the importance of reducing the risks of pregnancy and STDs for sexually active teens. Having printed material can provide time for your teen to digest the information. There are a variety of good books, as well as a number of the Sexual Integrity for Teens leaflets, available. Don't just give them to your teen. Read them yourself and be ready for questions or discussion. In addition to simply learning the facts about contraception and "safer" sex, your teen needs to develop the skills necessary to always use or practice them. He or she needs to know how to obtain condoms and other contraceptives as well as ways to encourage a potentially reluctant partner to use them.

As you can see, you're going to confront some difficult issues as you talk with your teen about sexuality. Having your teen exposed to factual, comprehensive information outside the home will help you deal with them. Support efforts to provide such information in your teen's school and other community organizations and encourage your teen to participate.

SEXUAL INTEGRITY AND TALKING WITH YOUR TEEN

Honesty, sincerity and ethics are the hallmarks of sexual integrity. One of the best ways to encourage your teen to develop those characteristics is to be sure they characterize your communication with her or him. Always be honest and sincere and be sure to communicate your own ethics or moral values. Don't just state your values, however. Give your reasons. This will help your teen understand why you think the value is important. It doesn't guarantee he or she will accept it, however. Ultimately, your teen will choose a value system that seems right for him or her. Both of you are entitled to your own opinions. Both of you need to respect each other. If you do, you'll keep the lines of communication open.

REFERENCES AND SUGGESTED READING

Acker, Loren E., Bram C. Goldwater, and William H. Dyson. (1992). AIDS-proofing your kids: A step-by-step guide. Hillsboro, OR: Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.

Calderone, Mary S. and Eric Johnson. (1989). The family book about sexuality. New York: Harper and Row.

Cassell, Carol. (1987). Straight from the heart: How to talk to your teenagers about love and sex. New York: Fireside Books.

Gale, Jay. (1989). A parent's guide to teenage sexuality. New York: Henry Holt and Company.

Gordon, Sol and Judith Gordon. (1989). Raising a child conservatively in a sexually permissive world. New York: Fireside Books.

Hynes, Angela. (1990). Puberty: An illustrated manual for parents and their daughters. New York: Tor Books.

National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities. (1992). "Teaching Children and Youth About Sexuality." Pp. 9-13 in NICHCY News Digest, Vol. I, No. 3. Washington, DC.

Popkin, Michael H. (1990). Active parenting of teens: Parent's guide.

Stark, Patty. (1990). Sex is more than a plumbing lesson: A parent's guide to sexuality education for infants through the teen years. Dallas, TX: Preston Hollow Enterprises.

Strasburger, Victor. (1993). Getting your kids to say "no" in the 90's when you said "yes" in the 60's. New York: Fireside Books.

Warren, Andrea. (1993). Everybody's doing it: How to survive your teenagers' sex life (and help them survive it too). New York: Penguin Books.

AUTHOR: William W. Mallory, Fayette County Extension Agent for 4-H/Youth Development, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky; and Gary L. Hansen, Ph.D., Extension Specialist in Sociology, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky.