![[Sexual Integrity for Teens]](../images/logo_sit.gif){kind=logo}
| Sometimes it seems as if we're constantly bombarded with sexual messages. Everywhere we turn we hear or see them. Whether watching television, listening to a favorite song or simply walking down a school hallway, we're likely to hear or see numerous references to sex. |
Considering the number of sexual messages they receive, you'd think today's teens wouldn't have any trouble talking about sexuality. But that's usually not the case. Many teens have a lot of trouble communicating effectively about it.
Effective communication about sexuality involves being able to share one's desires, doubts and other feelings on a one-to-one basis with another person. It also involves feeling comfortable when asking questions and using the correct words for physical anatomy and sexual activities. Communicating effectively about sexuality provides teens with both the information and the human support necessary for developing values for sexual decision-making and responsible sexual behavior. In other words, talking about sexuality plays a key part in being able to act with sexual integrity.
LANGUAGE IS IMPORTANT
The words or terms we use for objects and activities influence how we experience and feel about them. This is particularly true when it comes to sexuality. The terms people use for sexual intercourse provide a good example. A person who uses the phrase "making love" will undoubtedly think of the act of intercourse differently than a person who uses one of the many derogatory "slang" expressions.
Besides affecting how we think and feel about sexuality, the language we use affects how others respond to what we say because words have different meanings. Words not only have a "dictionary" definition or meaning, but also a "connotative" meaning. The later refers to the personal associations and emotional responses a person has to a word. Since connotative meanings are personal, the same word may have different connotative meanings to different people.
If you use words that arouse strong emotions, people sometimes respond to the words you use rather than listen to the content of what you're saying. This usually results in miscommunication. You can often avoid problems by being aware of and sensitive to the connotative meanings that others attach to the words you use. It's generally better to avoid words with strong negative connotations when talking about sexuality. You can minimize problems by learning and using the correct words for physical anatomy and sexual activities.
Just as you need to be aware of the language you use, you also need to be sensitive to the language others use when talking about sexuality. If they use emotionally charged slang terms, don't immediately react to their words without trying to really listen to what they're saying. When you do respond, use the communication techniques we discussed. Who knows? Those around you may begin to view you as a positive role model for talking about sexuality.
TALKING WITH PARENTS
Talking with your parents about sex may seem like one of the most embarrassing things you could ever do. Most teens think of their parents as being "old-fashioned." They can't imagine them ever being interested in sex.
If you feel this way, you may want to re-evaluate your thinking. Talking about sexuality with your parents can be an enlightening experience. Remember that your parents were young once and had the same type of questions and feelings about sexuality you're having now. Also remember that your parents are sexual beings, as we all are throughout our entire lives. Just because they're older doesn't mean your parents don't understand the sexual issues and the feelings you may be struggling with.
Your parents can help you understand your feelings and find answers to your questions. Because they care for you, they probably would welcome the opportunity to talk about sexuality. If they seem reluctant, however, realize that they may feel uncomfortable. While they want to talk, many parents don't know how to start. They may have been raised in a family where sexuality was seldom, if ever, discussed. If they didn't talk about sexuality with their parents, they may not know what they should say to their teens or how they should say it.
You don't have to make talking to your parents about sexuality a big deal where you sit down to "talk about sex." Consider using everyday experiences as "triggers" for communication, such as commenting on the sexual content of a television program and asking your parents what they think. Talking in this way is valuable in two ways. First, you and your parents can learn what each other thinks. Second, you're laying the foundation for future talks. If you ever come to the point where you do need to sit down and talk about a major sexual issue, decision or problem, it's going to be a lot easier if you're already in the habit of discussing sexuality than if you've never talked about it.
There are many issues for teens to explore with their parents. Some questions you may want to talk about are:
If these questions seem too embarrassing to discuss with your parents, rephrase them or make up your own. The specific topic you discuss isn't nearly as important as the simple fact that you're talking with your parents about sexuality.
TALKING WITH YOUR PARTNER
If you're dating, seeing or going out with someone, it's important for the two of you to talk about sexuality. Both of you need to communicate your feelings about sexuality and what sexual behaviors you feel are appropriate. As you do, respect your partner's viewpoints and decisions. Don't pressure your partner to do anything he or she doesn't want to do. Likewise, don't let your partner pressure you. Clearly communicate your own sexual standards and resolve to stick to them.
If you and your partner are sexually active or think you may become so, continued communication is absolutely essential. The two of you need to discuss ways to avoid an unwanted pregnancy and protect yourselves from sexually transmitted diseases. Responsible sexual partners take the initiative in discussing sexuality-related issues. Don't leave it up to the other person to take the lead.
It's difficult for many teenage couples to have the kind of frank discussions about sexuality we're talking about here. While it's not easy, it is well worth the effort. Even if the two of you don't always agree, communication in a nonjudgmental atmosphere will reap benefits. In the long run, it's easier to talk now than to deal with the misunderstandings and hard feelings that often arise when communication doesn't take place or is not effective.
TALKING WITH FRIENDS
Many teens want to or need to talk about sexuality with someone other than their partner or parents. They need someone who will listen as they share their feelings, anxieties and uncertainties. In such cases, they often turn to friends who can be very supportive. Confiding in a friend and sharing your feelings can be comforting. Friends can provide new insights into what you're experiencing. It's important to remember two things, however. There's a lot of misinformation about sexuality that gets passed from person to person. There's no guarantee that everything your friends say about sexuality is absolutely true. You also need to remember that you need to make your own decisions. Don't let friends convince you to do something you think is wrong.
Talking with friends is a two-way street. Just as there are times when you will approach friends, there will be times when they will come to you to discuss sexuality. Be a good listener, try to pass on accurate information and encourage them to make responsible sexual decisions.
TALKING WITH MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS
Doctors, nurses and other health-care professionals are an important source of information about sexuality. If you have questions about how your body is changing or functions, don't be afraid to ask them. If you have questions about contraception or STDs, ask them. They're concerned about your sexual health and will be happy to talk with you. You can either make a special appointment to discuss your concerns or you can simply ask your questions during a routine check-up or appointment.
Don't be surprised if your doctor doesn't wait for you to ask about sexuality during a routine physical examination. He or she may ask if you're dating, if you're sexually active, or if you know about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases. Don't be offended or embarrassed and refuse to talk. Doctors who ask such questions care about you and are competently doing their jobs. Take advantage of the opportunity to talk with and learn from them.
WHO ELSE?
It's impossible to cover all the people teens might want to talk with in a short leaflet like this. Think about who they might be. Is there a former teacher you'd feel comfortable talking with? A leader of a youth group? A minister, priest or rabbi? A favorite aunt, uncle or other relative? A school counselor? If there is, take the initiative. They'll probably be flattered you thought of them and happy to talk with you.
TALKING IS IMPORTANT
As you can see, being able to talk openly and honestly about sexuality is important. It helps you sort out your feelings, develop your sexual standards, understand the viewpoints of others and obtain the information you need to make responsible sexual decisions. Effective communication is a critical part of acting with sexual integrity.
AUTHOR: Tina Blevins, University of Kentucky Psychology Graduate; Gary L. Hansen, Ph.D., Extension Specialist in Sociology, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky; and William W. Mallory, Fayette County Extension Agent for 4-H/Youth Development, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky.
