Feeling Good About Saying "No"

As a teenager, you are faced with a lot of challenges and have to make a lot of decisions. You've got to make decisions about your education and your future career. You're finding your place in the world, and the decisions you make will determine what that place is.

Some of the toughest decisions you have to make involve intimate relationships and sexuality. You may feel surrounded by sexual talk and images. You may be experiencing strong sexual feelings. At the same time, you've got the task of deciding what is "right" for you. In addition to deciding what is right, you also need to decide how to do what is right for you. In other words, you need to live your values. That isn't always easy.

CHOOSING ABSTINENCE

One thing to keep in mind as you make your decisions is that saying "no" is a valid option. Contrary to what you may hear, everyone is not "doing it." Many teens choose abstinence, which means not engaging in sexual intercourse.

There are a variety of good reasons to choose abstinence. The best, and simplest, reason is because you think it is the right thing to do. If your ethical or moral beliefs prohibit sex at a young age or outside of marriage, abstinence is the choice for you. Using your own values to guide your sexual decision-making is a sign of sexual integrity and is something you should feel good about.

Not being ready for sex is another good reason to choose abstinence. Before having sex, you should be willing to take responsibility for your own sexual behavior. There are a number of ways to tell if you're not ready for sex. You are not ready if:

• You're not willing and able to take on the responsibility of parenthood if you or your partner becomes pregnant and has a child.

• You cannot talk to your partner about sex.

• You're too afraid to ask your doctor for birth control or to purchase it yourself.

• You're too embarrassed to talk to your partner about the necessity of using a condom.

• You're not sure how you feel about your partner or how your partner feels about you.

• You're not thinking of the well-being of your partner and how having sex will affect your relationship.

• You just want to have sex to get it over with.

• You're not really sure you should do it.

Don't think that not being ready for sex is a sign of immaturity. On the contrary, realizing you aren't ready for something as complex as sex and avoiding it is a sign of maturity. It is something you should feel good about.

Another good reason to choose abstinence is the fact that it is a "safe" decision. The risk of an unwanted pregnancy which could alter your educational or career plans is real. The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease which could threaten your health, if not your life, is real. While practicing "safer sex" greatly reduces these risks, it does not totally eliminate them. Abstinence is the only completely safe behavior and is, therefore, something you should feel good about.

It's important to realize that it's never too late to choose abstinence. Even if you've had sexual intercourse in the past, you can choose not to continue this practice in the future.

LIVING YOUR VALUES

Practicing abstinence is not always easy. Teens face a lot of pressure to have sex. If abstinence is your choice, you need to think about the sources of that pressure and how to avoid or resist it.

Under the right circumstances, sexual passion may override your best intentions. Those circumstances may be as innocent and ordinary as time alone with the person you are in love with. The best way to avoid stumbling into sex is to make sure you are adequately prepared. Anticipate the circumstances you may find yourself in and rehearse what you will say and do. Consider the following suggestions:

• Find enjoyable, sex-free activities and ways to express your love for a romantic partner.

• Acknowledge your partner's feelings. Say, "I understand you have strong sexual urges, and that's ok, but that doesn't mean we have to have sexual intercourse."

• Explain your position. Tell your partner that you care for him or her but you don't want to have sex and that you'd appreciate it if he or she would respect that decision.

• Say, "No, I don't want to have sex." Say it firmly and with feeling. If necessary, say it repeatedly. Say, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't keep asking."

• If your partner threatens to break up with you because you won't have sex, don't try to stop him or her. Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that won't make me change my mind." A partner who won't respect your wishes isn't worthy of your affection.

• If your verbal refusals are not sufficient to stop his or her advances, be prepared to take other action. Be prepared to get out of a car stopped at an intersection. Be prepared to approach strangers, police cars or unfamiliar houses on an unfamiliar street to seek help. While such actions require courage and involve risks, living your values is worth it.

• Avoid alcohol and other drug use. In addition to other drawbacks, their use can impair your ability to make sound decisions.

SETTING LIMITS

There are many forms of sexual behavior that vary in degree of intimacy from kissing and intimate touching to intercourse. While we've been focusing on intercourse, you need to think about other forms of sexual expression as well. You need to think about whether you consider them right for you. That's a decision you have to make based upon your own values, and it is important because it sets your sexual limits. The suggestions for living your values discussed above can help you avoid and resist the pressure to go beyond those limits.

No discussion of alternatives to sex with a partner would be complete without considering masturbation. Masturbation involves stimulating one's own body, usually the genitals, for sexual pleasure. Since some people consider masturbation to be wrong and there are many myths about it, masturbation is a sensitive topic many people feel uncomfortable discussing. How you personally feel about masturbation is something else you have to decide yourself based upon your own values. You do need to know the facts, however. The most important thing to know is that masturbation is quite common among both males and females and that it does not cause any kind of physical or mental harm. It's also safe. You can't get yourself pregnant. You can't get a sexually transmitted disease from yourself.

SAYING "KNOW"

Just because you've decided not to be sexually active at this time doesn't mean you shouldn't be informed about sexuality. Just as you receive training and learn many job-related skills long before you ever become employed, you need to learn accurate information about sexuality long before becoming sexually active.

A person should understand sexual development and functioning and have accurate information about sexually transmitted diseases and how to prevent their spread before becoming sexually active. Heterosexuals also should know how reproduction takes place. That includes knowing the effectiveness of various contraceptive or birth control methods and how to use them correctly.

If you've decided to say "no" to sexual intercourse, you can use this period of your life to acquire the type of accurate information that will enable you to continue to make responsible sexual decisions that are right for you. Other leaflets in this series titled "Sexual Integrity for Teens" provide such information. Obtain and read them. Saying "no" to intercourse and "know" to sexuality should go hand-in-hand. Both can be signs of sexual integrity.

Falling in love and spending time together with someone special is exciting. If you've found someone you are attracted to, love, and care about, you're going to want to show it. You can let this special person know you love him or her in many ways without having sex. Here's a list of 25 ways to show that you care. Can you think of others?

AUTHOR: Gary L. Hansen, Ph.D., Extension Specialist in Sociology, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky; and William W. Mallory, Fayette County Extension Agent for 4-H/Youth Development, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky.