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| Sometimes it seems that romance and sex are the only things teens think about. While that isn't true, your teen years are a time when you're likely to develop very strong romantic and sexual feelings. If that's happened to you, realize that it is perfectly natural and normal. Lots of people your age are feeling the same things. If you aren't madly in love or wrapped up with a romantic partner, however, realize that too is okay. Some teens simply are more involved with a job, sports, school or hobbies. Just as everyone has his or her own timetable for the body changes of puberty, we all have our own timetable for romantic and sexual interests. |
Whatever your own personal timetable, you've probably thought about the way females and males treat each other. You've probably wondered why we "fall in love" with a particular person. You've probably watched friends or siblings "pair up" and begin to date. This leaflet deals with these things you've probably thought about, wondered about, watched or experienced yourself. It's designed to help you understand what's going on as we date and fall in love. It's also designed to help you deal with some of the problems that may arise.
JUST FRIENDS
One thing you've probably noticed as a teenager is that it's harder to be "just friends" with a member of the opposite sex than it was when you were younger. When you were younger, it was no big deal if a boy and a girl were best friends, played together or had lunch together. It can be more difficult now, however. Other people begin to assume the two of you are "boyfriend and girlfriend" and that you must "love" each other. They also may begin to talk about and tease the two of you.
This is regrettable. Members of the opposite sex can and should be great friends. If people are making it difficult for you to be "just friends" with a member of the opposite sex, consider the following suggestions from Lynda Madaras, an author and teacher:
UNDERSTANDING LOVE
Sometimes your interest in another person does go beyond being "just friends." Many teens develop "crushes" on one, special person. They develop strong romantic or sexual feelings for him or her. If you've ever developed such strong feelings for someone, you know it can be both exciting and, at times, painful and confusing.
Just thinking about, catching a glimpse of or talking to that special person is delightful. On the other hand, developing strong feelings for someone who is unlikely to have any interest in you or to return your affection can cause a lot of suffering. Sometimes you simply don't know how or what you really feel.
Part of the confusion occurs because we often confuse romantic love and sexual desire. These are not the same thing. Love is a strong caring for someone else while sexual desire is a strong physical excitement. Love can exist without sexual desire and sexual desire can exist without love. Many people are happiest, however, when they experience them together.
Some teens also are confused because they don't know if they're really "in love." Since people have many different ideas of what love is, sometimes it's difficult to know. Knowing the difference between infatuation and true love can help, however.
Infatuation is an exciting, "fireworks" kind of feeling. You may be so wrapped up in the other person that you can't think of anything else and you don't see any of his or her faults. You don't have to know someone very well or for very long to become infatuated. True love, on the other hand, is more of a genuine concern for and caring about the other person. True love usually lasts a long time; infatuation doesn't.
Infatuation can, and often does, turn into true love. Therefore, you really can't tell them apart in the early stages of a relationship. You only know you're truly in love when you come to the point where you can look back and see how your relationship has grown and how you've come to really know and care about the other person. In other words, true love takes time to grow.
HOW LOVE GROWS
Visualizing love as a wheel divided into four pie-shaped segments may help you think about what happens as love grows. (That's why this way of thinking about love is called the "Wheel Theory.")
When two young people meet, they start in the upper right-hand segment of the wheel which is titled rapport. Rapport means the two people feel at ease with each other. They feel they can talk to each other and that they understand each other. Because of the rapport, the couple progresses to the lower right-hand segment titled self-revelation. They begin to reveal or tell each other things about themselves they don't usually tell other people. They share their likes and dislikes, past experiences, hopes and dreams.
Next comes mutual dependency in the lower left-hand segment of the wheel. Each person begins to depend on the other as someone to talk to, as a tennis partner, as an audience for his or her jokes and so forth. Each person develops habits that cannot be done alone since they include the other person. Finally, we have intimacy need fulfillment in the upper left-hand segment. This means the couple meets each other's needs for such things as love and understanding.
As suggested above, love grows as you go clock-wise around the wheel of love. Love does not stop growing after you go around the wheel once. It just keeps on turning. When needs are fulfilled, even greater rapport develops. That leads to more self-revelation and so forth and so forth. On the other hand, love declines or weakens as you go around the wheel in a counter-clockwise direction.
If you're "in love," visualize the wheel of love and think about your relationship. It may help you sort out your feelings and understand what is going on. Is your love growing or declining? Why do you think so?
THE DATING CHALLENGE
Many young people start dating as they move through puberty and the teen years. Dating can be fun and exciting. It also can create problems. You may want to start dating sooner than your parents think you should. You may have difficulty deciding if you want to date just one person or go out with lots of people. You may feel hurt if no one asks you out. You may feel rejected if you ask someone out and they turn you down. You may have disagreements or fights with your partner. You may get hurt or you may hurt your partner if one of you decides to end the relationship.
There aren't any simple, magical solutions to these problems. Learning how to deal with them is the challenge of dating. It's part of growing up and it isn't easy. While we can't discuss all of the issues in this leaflet, here's some of the common dating problems teens say they have and a few ideas on how to handle them.
Parents
Young teens complain about parents who think they're too young to start dating. If you're in this situation, you can do one of three things. First, you can sneak out "behind their backs." This isn't a good idea, however. If you get away with it, you'll probably feel guilty. If you get caught, you'll be in big trouble and they won't trust you in the future.
Second, you can go along with their rules and wait to start dating. While this isn't easy if there is someone special you want to go out with, you should consider it. Most parents aren't trying to be mean or unfair when they set rules. They're probably trying to protect you. Put yourself in their position. You may see that there are good reasons for waiting. If you still feel they're being too strict or "old-fashioned," however, you can try the third approach.
It may not be easy, but you can try to change their minds. Find out why they set the rules and what they're worried about. You may be able to come up with a compromise. If they won't allow you to go to a party or the movies, for example, maybe they'll let you invite someone to your house. If they won't let you go out alone with someone, maybe they'll let you go on "group dates."
There are many other dating issues teens and their parents may disagree over. How late you stay out and who you date are two common ones. Whatever the problem, try to look at it from your parents' point of view and, if you still disagree, look for some "common ground." Good communication helps teens and parents work out many of their problems.
Who Asks and Who Pays
Up until fairly recently, boys were expected to ask girls out and to pay for their dates. While some people still feel this is the "right" way, most people don't see anything wrong with girls doing these things today. Thankfully, we've come to a time when couples can work through these issues themselves. Do what feels right for you and your partner.
Understanding the Opposite Sex
Many teens don't know what their partners want and don't understand how they feel. While part of the problem may be due to the unique personalities of the two people, part of it may be due to the different ways males and females view love and dating. They often want and expect different things.
The fact that love and sexual desire are not the same thing was mentioned earlier. Males and females have long been thought to differ on which one they emphasize with boys focusing more on sex and girls more on love. Another difference is the fact that males are less likely to express their feelings than females. Since revealing things about yourself contributes to the growth of love, this is an important difference. If you're having trouble understanding your partner, good communication can help. Try to sit down and really talk about what you want and expect from each other. That's the best way to work out your differences. That's the best way to understand each other.
Jealousy
One problem that catches many teens by surprise is jealousy. Often called the "green-eyed monster," jealousy can be a very strong emotion. You experience it when you think your partner's involvement with someone else threatens your relationship. Your relationship is threatened because, in your mind, no one in a relationship like your's should do what your partner is doing. Here's an example that may help you understand what happens when someone becomes jealous.
You are "going steady." You think that people who go steady shouldn't talk about their personal problems with anyone of the opposite sex besides their dating partners. A friend tells you that she saw your partner having lunch with a long-time, opposite-sex friend and heard them talking about your partner's difficulty getting along with his or her parents, a topic he or she hasn't discussed with you. Since, in your mind, your partner should be discussing such problems with you, you may feel that your relationship is threatened. If so, you'll be upset. You'll be jealous.
If jealousy is a problem for you or your partner, communication, once again, is your best hope. Jealousy often occurs because partners don't share the same ideas of what is acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship. Jealousy also occurs because people imagine that their partners are involved with someone else in ways that, in reality, they aren't. In both cases, being able of talk openly and honestly is a key to avoiding and overcoming the problems jealousy presents.
Not all ways of handling jealousy are productive. Some, like violence, are bad. Jealousy is one of the major reasons teens give for dating violence. If you've resorted to violence, resolve to stop. If your partner has resorted to violence, you don't need to put up with it. In either case, you might want to read the companion "Sexual Integrity for Teens" leaflet titled "Dating Violence".
Setting Sexual Limits and Behaving Responsibly
Deciding what, if any, sexual behavior is acceptable for themselves, sticking to their decision and dealing responsibly with the potential consequences are all issues dating teens must deal with. We won't discuss them here, however. They're covered in other "Sexual Integrity for Teens" leaflets. If you're struggling with these issues, you may be particularly interested in reading the ones titled "Feeling Good About Saying No," "Choices for Controlling Births" and "Be Aware of Sexually Transmitted Diseases."
LOVE, DATING AND SEXUAL INTEGRITY
Meeting people, dating and falling in love are exciting and fun. They provide some of the highlights of our teen years. Since they are highly charged, emotional experiences, however, it's easy to do or say things that will hurt others. It's easy to get hurt ourselves. That's why it's important to act with sexual integrity. Be honest, be sincere and let your own moral principles guide your behavior. There is no better way to treat the people we say we love.
REFERENCES
Madaras, Lynda. (1988). The what's happening to my body? book for girls: A growing up guide for parents and daughters. New York: Newmarket Press.
Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc. (1993). How to talk with your teen about the facts of life. New York.
Reiss, Ira L. (1980). Family systems in America (3rd. ed.). New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.
Walster, Elaine and G. William Walster. (1978). A new look at love. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.
AUTHOR: Gary L. Hansen, Ph.D., Extension Specialist in Sociology, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky; and William W. Mallory, Fayette County Extension Agent for 4-H/Youth Development, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Kentucky.
